Today I woke up to my mother-in-law who lives down the street opening up my door with a special urgency in her voice telling me to call my mother because my father is in the hospital. As soon as I called my mother and heard her crying over the phone all I wanted her to do was come down and tell me some of the basic information I needed. After that my mother-in-law took my son while my wife and I jumped in the vehicle and proceeded to quickly drive to pick my mom up and go to the emergency room. My father has been smoking cigarettes for at least 40 years so I immediately thought about respiratory problems when I heard that he woke up throwing up blood in the middle of the night.
As we arrived I saw him in the ER sitting by him self, very shaken up with a little bit of blood on his collar. I gave him a hug that meant Soo much to me and felt like rubbing his back which luckily he let me. I really remember that hug at this moment and it it is one I will never forget.
This wonderfull man Patrick Roetker adopted me when I was around two years old and although we both share very large noses, he is not my biological father. He is all I know and remember of a man to look up to. I cannot imagine being adopted by a better person. He has instilled in me an old school workers mentality which brings a high level of grit and grind serving great purpose in my life. He is also not afraid to show his emotion but is still extremely masculine at the same time which is yet another quality in which I pride myself on. He tells me how much he loves me very often and we talked about things that we both care about and come to middle grounds. He has been a great leader and a great role model at so many capacities and it is so cliche to say that you do not know what you have until it’s gone. I often take time and thank the Lord for each and every one of my family members. But there can be no measure of appreciation and gratitude to what it feels like to hold your loved ones in your arms after the serious consideration of them being gone just minutes before. It was also a tremendous feeling seeing all the family member show up and support each other. After all the results from the different tests the doctors took he has a specialist he needs to see but there appears to be a nodule that may have burst in his lungs. So it turns out I am gifted with more time with my father!
I am left continuously asking myself what lasts?
It is obvious after the time of Christmas and opening gifts that the the new feeling of the Spike that a gift can give you comes and goes and leaves no trace. So obviously physical things do not hold the substance to feed the soul. What is it then? I keep praying and praying and asking and I’m going to continue to ask. The only response I continue to get when I ask :
Q: What lasts? The response from the silence is always the same :
A: My love
An opportunity has presented itself to liquidate a few of my assets and accumulate a 1933 hot rod. This vehicle is something that would be very special to me because it is something my mentor built by hand from the ground up. It is actually surreal thinking about purchasing this dream car considering I didn’t think I would be able to own something like this until I was in my forties or 60s maybe. This truly would be one of the most exciting toys or physical thing I’ve ever owned. Yet regardless of how much of a spike of excitement and pleasure I get out of the gift for the physical thing itself I am fully aware that the only thing that truly last and life is an inner sense of peace that can only be cultivated through hard mental labor. Nonetheless this car is a representation of what I am capable of in a very short amount of time if I learn how to use my mind. I cannot wait to throw up a blog about how much fun it was to drive it for the first time.
I missed one of my scroll reads. I noticed the addiction settle in. I have successfully rewired my brain and can witness the peptides hungry for the addiction of my scroll. I felt so incredibly guilty for missing the read and felt something to be missing in my day. like a flower changing from the inside out I am noticing that I am becoming a better father demanding more patience from myself as I know I am the only one who can control my attitude. I can observe myself still being frustrated at times and often in situations I may not entirely want to be involved in or participating with. Yet I know that I am not my thoughts I know that I am not the struggling old blueprint also that is screaming for attention like a little child. I am eternal. I am the undying. I am The unborn. I am not my ego I am so much more.
Just the simple practice of the metal diet and being able to at least notice when I am acting from the ego is the most liberating practice and will be one that for the rest of my life I am able to focus and grow from.
It is torturous and comical both at the same time that we can be tormented by the idea of becoming something that we’re not. All of the feelings of lack and limitation breed fear, anxiety, and promote feelings of entropy. How can we possibly be so tortured by ideas? The key to all of enlightenment and some feeling of contentment appears to be in our ability to channel the divine in our life. God’s love is not something that is distant from us and is in some ancient text or in a church or wrapped up in any religion at all. God’s love is simply our true and most harmonious state of being. God’s love for us is endless and evades any resemblance of understanding. Yet it is not something to be understood it is just something that we must accept and direct in our day-to-day lives . I am incredibly blessed in every way shape and form. I have nothing but praise and thanks to give to the universe for my existence and the life that I am blessed to live. My existence is an expression of love in immense gratitude for the opportunity to “be.”
Thank you for embarking on this campaign of habits . This isn’t a one-stop-shop or a quick fix. There’s no easy way to go about this. There’s also no hard way to go about this. There really is only one way and that is to pick up your sword and to begin the daily practices that will align your actions and emotions to that which is your true Harmony in life !
Master keys chapter 10 line 23 :
“This exercise consists in making application of your knowledge. Knowledge will not apply itself. You must make the application. Abundance will not come to you out of the sky, neither will it drop in your lap, but a conscious realization of the law of Attraction and the intention to bring it into operation for a certain, definite and specific purpose, and the will to carry out this purpose will bring out the materialization of your desire by a natural law of transference. If you are in business, it will increase and develop along regular channels, possibly new or unusual channels of distribution will be opened and when the law becomes fully operative, you will find that the things you are seeking ARE NOW SEEKING YOU!!!!!”
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my blog. I truly hope you are having fun on your hero’s journey and being the star on your life !!